I am experiencing much relief from my depression!  Praise God!  Last Friday I became suicidal because the emotional pain was just too much to bear…I thought there is a gun 5 feet away from me…it would be so easy.  But I thought of my husband and my mom, whom I promised I would never take my own life.  I was only one level above beyond caring about others and only thinking of escaping my own pain.  My husband is a police officer and so there are guns in the house.  When I went to therapy on Saturday my therapist asked me to call my husband during our session to ask him to lock up the guns.  It is an extremely scary experience.  But when I am in that place of such darkness, despair and hopelessness, there seems no other way out except to end my life.  This disorder is so cunning, so evil.

Last Tuesday my psych increased my mood stabilizer mediation and it seems to be working.  I had a great day Saturday and Sunday.  I felt normal!  I was not exhausted or having mood swings.  My husband and I even spent 2 hours in Ikea.  And if you’ve ever been to Ikea you know it’s no small feat.  Just finding your way out is an adventure in itself!  Sunday was also a productive day, feeling good, and even had the energy to get to an OA meeting.  It was so great.  Today, Monday (technically Tuesday), I was a bit sleepy.  I didn’t sleep very well on Sunday.  But my mood was good.  I did have to lay down to take a nap…and I am up at 12:36 am…but I have had major breakthroughs with my medication.  I cannot explain what relief it is!

On Saturday in therapy, I was able to talk freely about the emotional breakdown I had on Friday morning.  I was hospitalized a few years ago because I did almost take my life.  I have sworn I will never go to another psych hospital again.  During my session I was able to become open to being hospitalized if I ever needed to be because I can go to a different hospital.  I have a different insurance plan now – a PPO instead of an HMO.  My therapist was able to point out some very helpful things.  For example, a different psych who can look at my symptoms of being bipolar and possibly changing my meds.  Because I’ve already been hospitalized I know some of what to expect.  My husband is also a vigilant advocate (and it really helps that he’s a cop because he is so knowledgable about the system of being admitted into a psych hospital).  Part of what I am working on is looking at my “black and white thinking” and trying to see the “gray.”  Which means that when I am in the black and white thinking I only see things/situations in one way.  I cannot see alternatives (which is the gray thinking).  There are also a lot of “rules” to my black and white thinking – things can only be a certain way – no other possibilities.  In my session on Saturday I was able to see and accept the gray, the other possibilities, to being hospitalized.

So my moods are so much more balanced over the last 3 days, I have more energy, and the depression has lifted.  I cannot express in words how grateful I am for all of that.  My sleep patterns are a little off, but I expect that will correct itself the longer my meds get to set in.  I am having major breakthroughs and it is by the miracle of modern-day medications.  I am pro-meds, but I am also non-judgemental about others who choose a different route.

If there is the request to know more about my prior hospitalization I am willing to share…

Serenity is Beautiful and Priceless


I get a lot out of posting.  It’s like journaling.  I get to release my thoughts and feelings.  Whether anyone reads it or not is not up to me.  It’s up to God.  When no one reads it, it is most certainly an Ego check!

I had a total emotional breakdown this morning.  After I posted last I was very sad, very, very tired.  My husband goes to work very early.  After he left I just lost it.  I sobbed and sobbed.  I have promised my mom and my husband that I will never try to take my life again.  I have to say that it was very tempting this morning.  I can’t explain the emotional pain I was in.  There just aren’t the right words.  It was gut-wrenching, horrifying, dark, very dark, and all the while I was literally crying out to God- screaming at him to relieve me of this pain.  It’s unbearable.  It’s absolutely unbearable.  I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I don’t know how I can go on much longer.  I will not take my own life.  I could not do that to the people I love.  But something has to give.  I am a teacher and I go back to work in a few weeks.  What am I supposed to do?  I can’t work like this- especially not with children and the extreme expectations of being a teacher!  I have not ever been this bad off before.  Never so sad, lethargic, unmotivated, exhausted, agitated, or confused.  I decided to text my grandma and mom for prayers.  They live out of state.  My grandma is a living profet- I truly believe that.  And I decided to turn off my phone and try to sleep.

The prayer my G.Ma said for me was utterly amazing.  She told Satan to leave me alone.  That I belong to Jesus.  That Jesus protects me and she begged Jesus to take action.  I woke up a few hours later and I was actually able to get myself out of bed, into my bathing suit, and go into the backyard to lay in the sun.  It felt so good to soak up the heat and be in the light.  I layed out there for about an hour and went inside to take a cool shower.  And off to another nap.  You know, I can’t help but laugh a little….it is nap after nap after nap.  I mean, I think I take as many, if not more, naps than my indoor cat.

My insurance denied the prescription for Nuvigil.  I’m not surprised.  Apparently the reason for the Nuvigil was not stated on the request.  So it was submitted again by my doctor.  What a freakin’ hassle.  And disappointing… Business is business and that’s what medical insurance is- a business.  I truly don’t think any medical insurance truly cares about the clients it insures.  It’s very apparent when it comes to mental illness.  So I will wait for the insurance to look at the new request and wait.  However, in the meantime, I will be purchasing the medication on my own.  $400.  Yeah.  $400.  Is it worth it?  Well, I’m going to find out.  I am extremely blessed that in this economy my husband and I are both employed and do fairly well.  We can afford the $400 a month (which by the way, is more than my student loan mothly payment), but we will need to cut back in other areas.  And one of the biggest blessings?  My husband suggested buying the medciation before I did.  I was thinking about it, but he is insistent that I try it to try to get better.

My husband is the greatest blessing of my life.  He loves me so unconditionally.  I have no idea why he wants to stay married to me when this bipolar crap has been out of control for so long.  We were only married about six months and I came very close to commiting suicide.  And he stayed.  We separated last fall for about 3 months, went to a couple of sessions of counseling, and he stayed.  It was I who tried to run away.  I still can’t believe that he loves me through and through.  I was the one who wanted the separation.  And still he stayed and did not give up.  He is wonderful.  A true gift from the Lord himself.

Tonight I am better.  Not great.  But definitely much, much better than I was 12 hours ago!  I pray to God to get an answer, to be relieved of this pain…

Peace & Serenity

Well, I noticed that my account was marked as “no search engine”…maybe I can get some feedback now…

3:30 in the morning and I’m awake. Wide awake. And so I pay a couple of bills and balance my checkbook.  What a life.  Wake up at an obscene time,stay up for a few hours, and go back to sleep for the rest of the day.

I started this blog to share my experience with bipolar disorder.  No one is reading it – except me!  ha ha (sarcastically).

Because I’ve been having so much trouble with fatigue (having to sleep all the time), my psych prescribed Nuvigil.  She prescribed it Tuesday and I am still waiting to get some feedback, from various people from various companies, on whether or not it will be approved.

Here’s the thing.  I first spoke with my pharmacy, then my doctor’s office, then the pharmacy, then the doctor’s office two more times, the company handling the pre-auth request, and then the office for handling the pre-auth request again.  If that doesn’t agitate you or make you want to jump off a bridge, I don’t know what will!  It was very difficult for me to remain nice. 

My dad works for an airline company.  Some of the best advice he has ever given me is to just keep hanging up and calling back whoever/ or whatever company you’re trying to get an answer from.  The first customer service person at the company handling the pre-auth request didn’t tell me much of anything, except to check back in a week.  I hung up and dialed the same number, and got someone different.  That customer service person was more helpful and gave me different, contradictory, information to the doctor’s office and pharmacy.  I will have to work that out tomorrow.

So in the end I got an aswer that the pre-auth had been sent by the pharmacy to the doctor’s office.  The doctor’s office had sent the request to the company handling it.  The company handling the request has received it and will have some kind of status of my request tomorrow (hopefully).  But I can’t tell you how much energy that sucked out of me.

Here’s something to chew on.  I am bipolar, having trouble with mood swings (agitation in particular) and severe fatigue.  But in order for me to be “on the ball” and proactive, I had to make a number of phone calls to just get an idea of what was going on with the medication prescribed!  That was exhausting in and of itself.

Insurance companies just seem to fight everything thing there is about mental illness.  Hospitalizations, medications, doctors….  Those of us with bipolar disorder already have a challenging life trying to balance everything and maintain consistent, normal brain chemistry.  I sincerely hope and pray for these types of issues to get better as time goes on.  More awareness equals better lives for those of us who are diagnosed as bipolar.

More to come on my path to getting my meds straightened out…and on whether or not the Nuvigil will be approved…

I think I said yesterday that I don’t have friends.  Well, I think I do…but I always feel myself holding back a little.  I went to an OA meeting tonight and dinner with a friend.  It was good to get out, to shower, put a little make-up on, do my hair…and talk!  It was good to get out of the house.  The friend I went out with can be a little rough around the edges – sometimes a bit critical.  I’m always afraid that she will be thinking that how I feel about anything relates to me being bipolar.  I feel uncomfortable talking to her about my meds or anything I’m experiencing because of the disorder.  These are feelings I’m just now discovering while I am typing.  These are feelings I need to discuss with my sponsors and therapist. 

Like I said in a previous post, I think everything is about me (subconsciously).  I assume so much about others.  I have no idea whether or not my friend thinks what I think she thinks about me being bipolar.  I think it and believe it.  Well, I should probably think it, think about it, and discuss what I may be thinking or not thinking.  Does that even make sense?

It was great to hear some laughter  and to laugh this afternoon at the meeting.  Being around lovely people who are all working to become better people, who know me and enjoy me, and whom I enjoy, makes all the difference in the world when it comes to this f-ed disease and depression.

(Deep Breath….)

Peace & Happiness!

I was just on twitter.  I love to look for inspirational quotes.  I searched “bipolar disorder” and was led to this tweet:  “Is as worn out as a mood ring on someone with bipolar disorder.”  That is what I’m talking about when it comes to stigma!!!  Are you kidding me?  Why don’t I just start tweeting with words like the “N” word, or “wetback”, or, I don’t know…”chink”?  People get sooooo riled up and offended when some of those w0rds are used, but most people have no qualms when joking about mood swings and bipolar disorder.  It makes me so angry! 

Her twitter page is not about bipolar disorder at all.  It’s not about anything really.  So I tweeted back that her tweet was rude and insensitive and why didn’t she just start using the “N” word while she was at it?  LOL  Okay, rude.  Yeah, I know…but dang it!  It pisses me off.  Maybe I should have replied by being “nice” and said, “Do you realize the impact your words have on the people reading your tweets?”  LOL  Screw that. 

AND I’M NOT PISSED OFF BECAUSE I’M BIPOLAR!                        I’m pissed off because I am HUMAN.