I am experiencing much relief from my depression! Praise God! Last Friday I became suicidal because the emotional pain was just too much to bear…I thought there is a gun 5 feet away from me…it would be so easy. But I thought of my husband and my mom, whom I promised I would never take my own life. I was only one level above beyond caring about others and only thinking of escaping my own pain. My husband is a police officer and so there are guns in the house. When I went to therapy on Saturday my therapist asked me to call my husband during our session to ask him to lock up the guns. It is an extremely scary experience. But when I am in that place of such darkness, despair and hopelessness, there seems no other way out except to end my life. This disorder is so cunning, so evil.
Last Tuesday my psych increased my mood stabilizer mediation and it seems to be working. I had a great day Saturday and Sunday. I felt normal! I was not exhausted or having mood swings. My husband and I even spent 2 hours in Ikea. And if you’ve ever been to Ikea you know it’s no small feat. Just finding your way out is an adventure in itself! Sunday was also a productive day, feeling good, and even had the energy to get to an OA meeting. It was so great. Today, Monday (technically Tuesday), I was a bit sleepy. I didn’t sleep very well on Sunday. But my mood was good. I did have to lay down to take a nap…and I am up at 12:36 am…but I have had major breakthroughs with my medication. I cannot explain what relief it is!
On Saturday in therapy, I was able to talk freely about the emotional breakdown I had on Friday morning. I was hospitalized a few years ago because I did almost take my life. I have sworn I will never go to another psych hospital again. During my session I was able to become open to being hospitalized if I ever needed to be because I can go to a different hospital. I have a different insurance plan now – a PPO instead of an HMO. My therapist was able to point out some very helpful things. For example, a different psych who can look at my symptoms of being bipolar and possibly changing my meds. Because I’ve already been hospitalized I know some of what to expect. My husband is also a vigilant advocate (and it really helps that he’s a cop because he is so knowledgable about the system of being admitted into a psych hospital). Part of what I am working on is looking at my “black and white thinking” and trying to see the “gray.” Which means that when I am in the black and white thinking I only see things/situations in one way. I cannot see alternatives (which is the gray thinking). There are also a lot of “rules” to my black and white thinking – things can only be a certain way – no other possibilities. In my session on Saturday I was able to see and accept the gray, the other possibilities, to being hospitalized.
So my moods are so much more balanced over the last 3 days, I have more energy, and the depression has lifted. I cannot express in words how grateful I am for all of that. My sleep patterns are a little off, but I expect that will correct itself the longer my meds get to set in. I am having major breakthroughs and it is by the miracle of modern-day medications. I am pro-meds, but I am also non-judgemental about others who choose a different route.
If there is the request to know more about my prior hospitalization I am willing to share…
Serenity is Beautiful and Priceless